Book Rant: The Secret History of the Pink Carnation [Lauren Willig]

RATING: This book is a farce! A FARCE!

The rather misleading book cover.

The main premise of "The Secret History of the Pink Carnation" is espionage during Napoleon's reign. (Or at least, it's SUPPOSED to be.) Eloise Kelly, a Harvard graduate student, flies to London and delves into research about English spies as her thesis. She eventually finds out that the Pink Carnation is a woman spy. 

I was looking forward to history, romance and feminism. And since the author is a graduate from Yale, and is a PhD from Harvard, I was naturally expecting something written by a modern version of Gaskell or Brontë. I was looking forward to something well-researched and informative yet light and fun to read.

What I got instead was a poorly-written, rather insipid, absurdly implausible romance novel set in the 19th century. The two main characters were hormonally overcharged, unbelievably idiotic and clumsy, to the point where I kept asking myself how the hell they survived as spies. Amy and Richard groped each other wherever and whenever they went, during trips, before and after fights, during surveillance, during missions. Throughout the novel, Amy's bosom was constantly heaving, her bottom constantly wriggling, which causes Richard to have a perpetual hard-on.

The narrative switches between past (Amy) and present (Eloise). Eloise's story is when she's not reading Amy's letters for research, she's fantasizing about Colin Selwick, Richard and Amy's rather snobby descendant who wants Eloise out of his family's private matters. However, the friction between the two modern characters that was supposed to work out as sexual tension - in the hands of a more talented writer, perhaps - simply fell flat on its face. Thus, the narrative didn't work out at all. It felt like two separate novels - "Amy's Heaving Bosom" and "Eloise's Forbidden Fantasies" - being mashed into one.

I have to admit, I didn't finish the book. I COULD NOT. And I cannot help feeling like I was bamboozled. I was conned into buying this indescribably asinine book! (One has to admire its marketing though, what with the author's credentials and all). 

I was glad to have picked up this book for roughly a dollar, because it was intolerable, and if I had bought it full-priced, I would've felt really, really bad. Based on the cover and the blurbs, I was expecting a well-researched historical romance, but ended up with a bodice-ripper - and a poorly written one at that. Thanks to this novel, I am now a FIRM believer of the saying "Never judge a book by its cover."

[12/17/2012]: I just found out that NINE books and TWO novellas have spawned from this INANE drivel! Que horror!

Book Review: Tithe: A Modern Faerie Tale [Holly Black]

RATING: I admit, YA isn't my cup of tea, but this was pretty good.

The first time I read this book, I couldn't get into it at all. After two chapters, I called it a copycat of Emma Bull's "War for the Oaks", and chucked it into a random box, where it disappeared for two years until it made its way back into my hands last night. It wasn't so bad after all.

Quite frankly, I am bothered that this book is being marketed to adolescents. Those who know me know that I am no prude, but I’d think twice before letting an adolescent read something where the protagonist is a high school dropout, chain-smokes and gulps down alcohol like water at sixteen.

Or maybe I'm just getting too old. Gah.

Anyway, Tithe is a coming of age/self-discovery story made into an urban fantasy. Kaye Fierch is sixteen, and her mother fronts a struggling rock band. Kaye and her mother Ellen move back in with Grandma when her mother’s boyfriend tries to kill Ellen for no particular reason at all. Kaye later finds out that this incident was set off by the Fey in an attempt to bring Kaye back to Jersey.

Back in her childhood home, Kaye is reunited with both her human and Faerie childhood friends, and finds out the truth about herself and her past. She is drawn into Faerie politics, a twisted plot involving the Seelie and Unseelie Courts, where she falls for a dangerous knight who may be just using her to his own advantage.

I found “Tithe” to be an entertaining light read. The book is easy to gobble up. The plot is charmingly simple, and the pacing quick. The characters are all ridden with teenage angst, which adds to the "badass-ery" of the book. I'd have to say the enjoyment I got from reading this book is akin to watching a low-budget, B-movie with an interesting storyline. It may not be very visually stimulating, but you love it anyway because of the story.

Tithe gets down and dirty. It doesn’t have any illusions of grandeur in it. The backdrop is rough and rugged, and the narrative and dialogue unpolished, making the story exude a certain ragged, blue-collar charm.

I particularly enjoyed Kaye's morbid-poetic introspectiveness. For example, she describes sunset at the beach as “[slitted] wrists in a bathtub and the blood is all over the water”.

I probably would've given this five stars if I'd read it in my "jaded-angst" stage eight to nine years ago. At present, this lola is giving it a 3.5 stars for being a simple, rather nostalgic and - once I got over my prudishness - enjoyable read.

Book Review: Rose Madder [Stephen King]

RATING: I am woman, hear me roar.

Inspiring. Empowering. Yep, that's by Stephen King.

The first Stephen King book I’ve ever read was “Christine” in sixth grade. I was instantly hooked, and I’ve been reading King’s works for more than ten years now. Call me morbid, but I absolutely love what’s going on inside the guy’s head!

It’s popular misconception that Stephen King is just a horror writer. Au contraire; most of King’s work spans across genres. Rose Madder is one such example – while it has signature Stephen King gory scenes in it, I wouldn’t exactly classify this as a horror novel. Psychological suspense? Could be. A story of love and hope? Oprah, you missed this one for your book club.

Rose McClendon-Daniels has endured fourteen years of abuse from her cop husband Norman. She’s been through a miscarriage (prompted by Normie, of course), and endless beatings, but it takes one drop of blood on the bed sheets to make her realize that she has had enough. She takes a little of her husband’s money and runs off to start a new life of her own.

However, being shut up in Norman’s world for fourteen years has made our Ramblin’ Rosie as innocent as a newborn babe. With very little money and nobody to run to, Rose is lucky enough to meet a string of kind strangers who helps her on her way to a new life. In just a few months, she has landed a decent-paying job, got a place of her own, lost weight, healed both physically and emotionally, and has started to fall in love again.

However, she can’t stop looking over her shoulder, expecting to see him there. And right she is, for Norman, who can’t get over the fact that Rose got away from him, is obsessively bent on hunting her down. And this is a cop that's very good at finding people.

One day, Rose finds a painting in a pawn shop. It depicts a woman in a rose-colored chiton, looking towards the horizon. It actually isn’t even a very good painting, but Rose finds herself strangely drawn to it. She is inspired by the woman in the painting, and is empowered by this mysterious figure. Rosie finds strength she doesn’t even know she possessed.

Meanwhile, Norman is closing in on her. His insane rage leaves a string of violent deaths- of people who has helped Rosie- in its wake. Rose McClendon, determined that nothing would destroy her life again, must stand against what terrifies her most: her husband.

Nobody tells a story like Stephen King does, and nobody creates living, breathing characters better than he does. Each character not only has a unique voice, but different accents as well. And this book screams women empowerment as well, which would definitely appeal to a feminist like yours truly.

The only thing that didn’t sit right with me were the EXTREMELY long exchanges between the woman in the painting (whom I have baptized as Foxy) and Rose. Foxy plays a bigger role in eliminating Rose’s problems than you might expect. The paranormal aspect is classic King, but in this case, the explanations and interactions between woman and painting felt a little too draggy for me.

Kudos to King on using mythology - the reference to the Minotaur and the Labyrinth played off what Rosie was going through quite nicely. And Normie as a minotaur? Hah! Perfect :D

King's narrative is so well-written, it sucked me into Rosie's world and made me go haywire with a rollercoaster of emotions. I wanted to strangle Rose for being such a pathetic idiot, but I couldn’t help cheering her on as well. I practically melted in the scenes with gentleman biker Bill, and I felt suffocated by Norman’s presence in the story. I am disgusted yet fascinated with Psycho Norman who is the main character in the gory scenes. *chomp chomp chomp* I particularly loved the scene where Gert, the big momma self-defense teacher of Daughters and Sisters leaves a lasting mark on our Normie dearest. *grin*

Rose Madder is a beautiful story. It is a story of desperation, madness and death, but also of hope, kindness and the celebration of life. And that is what I loved most about it – the striking contrast between the elements of the story. After all, the deepest, darkest desperation only serves to tremendously emphasize the tiniest ray of hope.