Book Review: Satan Burger [Carlton Mellick III]

RATING: Pretty good! :D

Mmm... Appetizing :/

Imagine this world is a child, and God its indulgent father. Child Earth is bored with his human toys, so God opens up a soul-fueled portal called the Walm that leads to different universes to give his child new toys.

So now our world is overrun by different species: tiny cockroach people, gorgeous hermaphroditic blue women, incredibly wealthy Hogs, poisonous giant scorpion flies that are terrified of female baboons, and a myriad of other creatures that live in Carlton Mellick’s grotesque imagination. 

In the midst of this chaos, God decides to stop letting people die, to keep Heaven from overpopulating. So on one hand, we’ve got the soul-ful dead rotting away while still very conscious about it and the soulless living staring at walls and shrugging, without a care in the world.

Our narrator is an ex-junkie named Leaf who sees himself in a third-person perspective. He and his friends are the few people in this world who have managed to hang on to their souls, and still have a passion to live.

Enter Satan. 

Satan, who is in the soul business, is worried he might not have any more souls to reap. And if there are no more souls to reap, Hell will cease to exist. So Satan opens up a burger joint called “Satan Burger”, which sells deep-fried burgers “so good, you’d gladly sell your soul for one of ‘em”. 

Unfortunately, every un-living thing Satan touches comes to life, so he offers Leaf and his friends to work for him. After all, nobody wants to buy demon burgers that eat and shit and scream when you try to eat them now, do they? Leaf and his friends agree to form an alliance with the devil to keep hanging on to their souls, and to find a niche in a world that no longer has a place for them.

I really enjoyed reading this book. Satan Burger is at times hilarious, at times angry, at times depressingly desperate. The story is very much alive not only because it is jam-packed with emotions, but also because it is richly detailed. Each place gives off its own atmosphere. Each species has its own culture, its own unique anatomical features and functions. (Read, and you'll see.) Mellick hasn't just created a world, he's created an entire fucking universe!

Satan Burger is long, roughly about 230 pages, single-spaced, size 8 TNR font. The in-depth descriptions are something to rave about, though there are parts that read like ramblings that felt more like fillers than actually having something to do with the novel at all.

Although I couldn't totally relate with the characters because I’m not into the punk scene, I admire Mellick’s character creation. It’s something he’s really good at—each character has his own backstory, his own idiosyncrasies. For example, Leaf and his addiction to drugs, leading to his third-person perspective of himself. Or the brothers Gin and Vodka, the vampire-wannabe (guess what their father was drinking during the time of their births? :P). Or even Mortician, the Japanese guy who dresses and talks like a pirate. 

However, my favorite character would be the Devil himself. I applaud Mellick’s version of Satan. He’s powerful, fearsome, and gayer than a goose. The scene where Nan screams bloody hell at Satan for keeping on touching her dead boyfriend Gin and bringing different body parts alive (Gin’s hand, pinkie, dreadlocks, and right butt cheek now has their own lives) is classic:

Nan: “What the hell did you touch his penis for??”

Satan (shaking his head childishly): “I didn’t touch it.”

(Nan unzips Gin’s pants to reveal a dancing worm. The worm wriggles excitedly. Its mouth has developed from Gin’s pisshole and Gin’s bladder is now its stomach sack, two small eyes on the sides of its head, quite like a snake’s.)

Satan: “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. You know, it’s not easy being the only gay person left. I have urges that are hard to resist."

Nan: “What the hell am I supposed to do with a living penis??

On a deeper level, Satan Burger is a reminder for each of us to keep on being children – to have a zest for living, to hold on to our ideals and to fight for them. As Mellick puts it, “The world becomes clearer and clearer the older we become, much less mysterious/exciting and all its appeal we experienced during childhood turns logical, and logic is a dirty and boring word.”

Four stars.

Book Review: Turkish Gambit [Boris Akunin]

RATING: A delightful read. Will definitely follow this series.

Mustachioed, boyish-looking men - hot or not? 

"Turkish Gambit" is set on the Russo-Turkish war of 1877 (Food for Thought: this is the one some 20 years after the Crimean War and 36 years before WWI; apparently, Russia and Turkey has been at odds since the late 15th century. The war of 1877 provided Romania to gain full independence from the Ottoman Empire). Our heroine, Varya Surovova, is one of the progressive daughters of the motherland. Her fiancé has rushed off to the Balkan front as a volunteer cryptographer (my, how heroic), and headstrong Varya dresses up as a peasant boy (although her disguise fools no one) and follows suit.

A spoiled, naive young lady traveling alone and running into trouble is no surprise at all, and we find Varya stranded in a peasant country (one of those that ends with "-ovia") with no money. Enter Erast Fandorin to the rescue. Because of Fandorin, Varya was able to reach the front in one piece and reunite with her fiancé.

As the sole attractive, educated and unescorted female (the fiancé was busy) in the whole camp, Varya almost immediately finds herself surrounded by suitors left and right. (Much more attractive prospects than the said fiancé, in my opinion! :D) Shortly afterwards, the fiancé was accused of being a spy and was arrested. Fandorin, our reluctant hero, suspects something more sinister is afoot, and begins to investigate.

Boris Akunin is a superb writer. His narrative takes on different styles. For example, his previous Erast Fandorin mystery “Murder on the Leviathan” reads like an Agatha Christie novel, while “Turkish Gambit” is more of Arthur Conan Doyle’s “Brigadier Gerard” told in a woman’s voice.

Although Fandorin is the hero, he does not appear much in the story. I think this is a nice touch to make Fandorin seem more… superhuman. Fandorin’s character is like Sherlock Holmes with a touch of Droopy and talks like Porky Pig. I suppose if the story were centered on him, he’d look like… well, for lack of a better term, very un-hero-like. The result is quite interesting.

The story is told in Varya’s point of view. While I enjoyed the scenes where an extremely flattered Varya was flirting and being courted left and right by seriously dashing suitors, the story dragged somewhat in the middle. There was a point when nothing related to the case seemed to be happening, and all Varya was doing was feeling guilty that she was enjoying herself while her fiancé was in prison, and reprimanding herself of flirting with other men.

However, the story goes out with a bang. I shan’t divulge any details here, but I will say that the ending was “Whoa!” Totally unexpected but satisfyingly executed.

“Turkish Gambit” is well-researched and very informative without the qualities of a textbook. Reading it was a delightful way to pass the time.

Book Review: Rose Madder [Stephen King]

RATING: I am woman, hear me roar.

Inspiring. Empowering. Yep, that's by Stephen King.

The first Stephen King book I’ve ever read was “Christine” in sixth grade. I was instantly hooked, and I’ve been reading King’s works for more than ten years now. Call me morbid, but I absolutely love what’s going on inside the guy’s head!

It’s popular misconception that Stephen King is just a horror writer. Au contraire; most of King’s work spans across genres. Rose Madder is one such example – while it has signature Stephen King gory scenes in it, I wouldn’t exactly classify this as a horror novel. Psychological suspense? Could be. A story of love and hope? Oprah, you missed this one for your book club.

Rose McClendon-Daniels has endured fourteen years of abuse from her cop husband Norman. She’s been through a miscarriage (prompted by Normie, of course), and endless beatings, but it takes one drop of blood on the bed sheets to make her realize that she has had enough. She takes a little of her husband’s money and runs off to start a new life of her own.

However, being shut up in Norman’s world for fourteen years has made our Ramblin’ Rosie as innocent as a newborn babe. With very little money and nobody to run to, Rose is lucky enough to meet a string of kind strangers who helps her on her way to a new life. In just a few months, she has landed a decent-paying job, got a place of her own, lost weight, healed both physically and emotionally, and has started to fall in love again.

However, she can’t stop looking over her shoulder, expecting to see him there. And right she is, for Norman, who can’t get over the fact that Rose got away from him, is obsessively bent on hunting her down. And this is a cop that's very good at finding people.

One day, Rose finds a painting in a pawn shop. It depicts a woman in a rose-colored chiton, looking towards the horizon. It actually isn’t even a very good painting, but Rose finds herself strangely drawn to it. She is inspired by the woman in the painting, and is empowered by this mysterious figure. Rosie finds strength she doesn’t even know she possessed.

Meanwhile, Norman is closing in on her. His insane rage leaves a string of violent deaths- of people who has helped Rosie- in its wake. Rose McClendon, determined that nothing would destroy her life again, must stand against what terrifies her most: her husband.

Nobody tells a story like Stephen King does, and nobody creates living, breathing characters better than he does. Each character not only has a unique voice, but different accents as well. And this book screams women empowerment as well, which would definitely appeal to a feminist like yours truly.

The only thing that didn’t sit right with me were the EXTREMELY long exchanges between the woman in the painting (whom I have baptized as Foxy) and Rose. Foxy plays a bigger role in eliminating Rose’s problems than you might expect. The paranormal aspect is classic King, but in this case, the explanations and interactions between woman and painting felt a little too draggy for me.

Kudos to King on using mythology - the reference to the Minotaur and the Labyrinth played off what Rosie was going through quite nicely. And Normie as a minotaur? Hah! Perfect :D

King's narrative is so well-written, it sucked me into Rosie's world and made me go haywire with a rollercoaster of emotions. I wanted to strangle Rose for being such a pathetic idiot, but I couldn’t help cheering her on as well. I practically melted in the scenes with gentleman biker Bill, and I felt suffocated by Norman’s presence in the story. I am disgusted yet fascinated with Psycho Norman who is the main character in the gory scenes. *chomp chomp chomp* I particularly loved the scene where Gert, the big momma self-defense teacher of Daughters and Sisters leaves a lasting mark on our Normie dearest. *grin*

Rose Madder is a beautiful story. It is a story of desperation, madness and death, but also of hope, kindness and the celebration of life. And that is what I loved most about it – the striking contrast between the elements of the story. After all, the deepest, darkest desperation only serves to tremendously emphasize the tiniest ray of hope.