Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Book Review: The Menstruating Mall [Carlton Mellick III]

RATING: Good, but ending made me go "Huh?" 0_0

Great book cover
Razor wire pubic hair. Baby Jesus butt plugs. Bleeding malls, Satanic burgers. Welcome to the world of Carlton Mellick III, to the Bizarro genre, where stereotypes are shunned and freakish is the order of the day.

Ironically, Bizarro itself is becoming a stereotype nowadays.

But I digress... or perhaps not.

Anyway, I found Carlton Mellick III’s “The Menstruating Mall” to be… quite refreshing. Call it the bread in a wine-tasting session, or the coffee beans before sniffing another perfume. It is certainly something new, although definitely an acquired taste.

Our narrator is the typical yuppie guy who buys everything that makes it into the magazines he reads, watches blockbusters, and likes everything that’s “mass culture”. He goes to the mall one day, and finds that he can’t leave. The mall is suddenly vacated, starts bleeding, and our guy finds himself trapped inside the mall with nine other ridiculously stereotypical characters: the blond cheerleader, the white gangsta boy, the redneck cowboy, the too-male jock, a Goth girl, a bible thumper, a Stepford wife, a senile retiree and the gamer geek. There’s nothing stopping them from leaving – they just can’t leave.

Someone begins killing off our little motley crew one by one, Agatha Christie style. In a race against time, our heroes try to find out what the killer wants, and who the killer is.

In the meantime, things in the mall just keep getting weirder and weirder.

One thing that kept me turning the pages was because I wanted to find out who did it, and why. However, the ending was just simply anticlimactic. I was like, “What the hell has that got to do with the rest of the story?!” when I reached the end of what seemed like roughly 150 pages in size 14 font. (Yep, it’s an uber-short read.) While you will find out who the killer was and what the motive was, the last few chapters just went totally *shwing* off the top.

Oh, and no matter what I do, I COULD NOT appreciate the much-praised illustrations (which looks more like high-school male toilet humor graffiti) in the book.

However, the book is not without merits. I did enjoy this book. Well, three-fourths of it anyway. There are scenes that had me laughing out loud, simply because they were just so ridiculous. There are also scenes that were so repulsive, I couldn't help but be fascinated.

On another level, the author tries to tackle issues about society and conformity, and how consumerism (a.k.a. the horrifying taste of the general public) plays a big part in it. This book is Carlton Mellick III’s effort in promoting the elusive, multi-faceted concept of unique individuality. In other words, stop taking yourself too seriously before you begin, as Spyder puts it, “…[to] seem like [a] badly written B-movie character.” At the end of the day, do whatever you want to do, and to hell with everybody else.

Three stars because I enjoy sarcasm, wit, and a good satire.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Book Review: Turkish Gambit [Boris Akunin]



RATING: A delightful read. Will definitely follow this series.

Mustachioed, boyish-looking men - hot or not? 

"Turkish Gambit" is set on the Russo-Turkish war of 1877 (Food for Thought: this is the one some 20 years after the Crimean War and 36 years before WWI; apparently, Russia and Turkey has been at odds since the late 15th century. The war of 1877 provided Romania to gain full independence from the Ottoman Empire). Our heroine, Varya Surovova, is one of the progressive daughters of the motherland. Her fiancé has rushed off to the Balkan front as a volunteer cryptographer (my, how heroic), and headstrong Varya dresses up as a peasant boy (although her disguise fools no one) and follows suit.

A spoiled, naive young lady traveling alone and running into trouble is no surprise at all, and we find Varya stranded in a peasant country (one of those that ends with "-ovia") with no money. Enter Erast Fandorin to the rescue. Because of Fandorin, Varya was able to reach the front in one piece and reunite with her fiancé.

As the sole attractive, educated and unescorted female (the fiancé was busy) in the whole camp, Varya almost immediately finds herself surrounded by suitors left and right. (Much more attractive prospects than the said fiancé, in my opinion! :D) Shortly afterwards, the fiancé was accused of being a spy and was arrested. Fandorin, our reluctant hero, suspects something more sinister is afoot, and begins to investigate.

Boris Akunin is a superb writer. His narrative takes on different styles. For example, his previous Erast Fandorin mystery “Murder on the Leviathan” reads like an Agatha Christie novel, while “Turkish Gambit” is more of Arthur Conan Doyle’s “Brigadier Gerard” told in a woman’s voice.

Although Fandorin is the hero, he does not appear much in the story. I think this is a nice touch to make Fandorin seem more… superhuman. Fandorin’s character is like Sherlock Holmes with a touch of Droopy and talks like Porky Pig. I suppose if the story were centered on him, he’d look like… well, for lack of a better term, very un-hero-like. The result is quite interesting.

The story is told in Varya’s point of view. While I enjoyed the scenes where an extremely flattered Varya was flirting and being courted left and right by seriously dashing suitors, the story dragged somewhat in the middle. There was a point when nothing related to the case seemed to be happening, and all Varya was doing was feeling guilty that she was enjoying herself while her fiancé was in prison, and reprimanding herself of flirting with other men.

However, the story goes out with a bang. I shan’t divulge any details here, but I will say that the ending was “Whoa!” Totally unexpected but satisfyingly executed.

“Turkish Gambit” is well-researched and very informative without the qualities of a textbook. Reading it was a delightful way to pass the time.

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Book Review: The Last Hero: A Discworld Fable


RATING: Loved it! No ranting whatsoever!

Oooh. That beard makes me break out in hot sweat- menopausal-like :P

The theme of this story revolves around faith, death, and the unknown or, as Pratchett puts it, “…the imponderables of life, in the face of which people either start to pray…” or, in the case of Terry Pratchett’s 27th Discworld Novel, “…become really, really angry.”

Genghiz Cohen, or better known as Cohen the Barbarian, is the emperor of the Agatean Empire. He has fame and fortune, and has done everything at least once in his life. However, he is not happy.

After losing Old Vincent, one of his faithful Silver Hordes, to a *ahem* cucumber, Cohen is struck with the realization that: 1) There are “no more worlds left to conquer” so to speak; and 2) He is getting old.

Angry at the gods for letting people get old and die, Cohen and the rest of his Silver Hordes (Boy Willie, Truckle the Uncivil, Caleb the Ripper, and the cranky but lovable Mad Hamish) set out to give what the first hero stole back to the gods. With interest, even.

However, this will cause the end of the world.

From Ankh-Morpork comes three heroes to stop these legendary heroes. Genius Leonard of Quirm (a spoof of Leonardo da Vinci, obviously), Captain Carrot the six-foot dwarf, and cowardly wizard Rincewind. Will they be able to save the world in time?

Terry Pratchett is an author with a great sense of humor. I totally worship this guy. Nobody but Pratchett could manage to poke fun of religion, death and old age, and make it into something so - well, for lack of a better term - "tastefully hilarious". While this one's shorter than other Discworld novels, I find it to be one of the funniest. Humor is satirical and tongue-in-cheek at its best. Paul Kidby's illustrations are gorgeous. Done in a rather serious Renaissance-inspired style, but the subject matter is anything but. You can imagine the outcome :) Pratchett and Kidby complement each other like Flotsam and Jetsam. I've read this book several times already, but it never fails to make me laugh.

I love this book. No ranting whatsoever. Very, very strongly recommended. Full stars, and then some!

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Book Rant: The Secret History of the Pink Carnation [Lauren Willig]

RATING: This book is a farce! A FARCE!

The rather misleading book cover.
The main premise of "The Secret History of the Pink Carnation" is espionage during Napoleon's reign. (Or at least, it's SUPPOSED to be.) Eloise Kelly, a Harvard graduate student, flies to London and delves into research about English spies as her thesis. She eventually finds out that the Pink Carnation is a woman spy. 

I was looking forward to history, romance and feminism. And since the author is a graduate from Yale, and is a PhD from Harvard, I was naturally expecting something written by a modern version of Gaskell or Brontë. I was looking forward to something well-researched and informative yet light and fun to read.

What I got instead was a poorly-written, rather insipid, absurdly implausible romance novel set in the 19th century. The two main characters were hormonally overcharged, unbelievably idiotic and clumsy, to the point where I kept asking myself how the hell they survived as spies. Amy and Richard groped each other wherever and whenever they went, during trips, before and after fights, during surveillance, during missions. Throughout the novel, Amy's bosom was constantly heaving, her bottom constantly wriggling, which causes Richard to have a perpetual hard-on.

The narrative switches between past (Amy) and present (Eloise). Eloise's story is when she's not reading Amy's letters for research, she's fantasizing about Colin Selwick, Richard and Amy's rather snobby descendant who wants Eloise out of his family's private matters. However, the friction between the two modern characters that was supposed to work out as sexual tension - in the hands of a more talented writer, perhaps - simply fell flat on its face. 
Thus, the narrative didn't work out at all. It felt like two separate novels - "Amy's Heaving Bosom" and "Eloise's Forbidden Fantasies" - being mashed into one.

I have to admit, I didn't finish the book. I COULD NOT. And I cannot help feeling like I was bamboozled. I was conned into buying this indescribably asinine book! (One has to admire its marketing though, what with the author's credentials and all). 


I was glad to have picked up this book for roughly a dollar, because it was intolerable, and if I had bought it full-priced, I would've felt really, really bad. Based on the cover and the blurbs, I was expecting a well-researched historical romance, but ended up with a bodice-ripper - and a poorly written one at that. Thanks to this novel, I am now a FIRM believer of the saying "Never judge a book by its cover."


[12/17/2012]: I just found out that NINE books and TWO novellas have spawned from this INANE drivel! Que horror!

Book Review: Tithe: A Modern Faerie Tale [Holly Black]

RATING: I admit, YA isn't my cup of tea, but this was pretty good.



The first time I read this book, I couldn't get into it at all. After two chapters, I called it a copycat of Emma Bull's "War for the Oaks", and chucked it into a random box, where it disappeared for two years until it made its way back into my hands last night. It wasn't so bad after all.

Quite frankly, I am bothered that this book is being marketed to adolescents. Those who know me know that I am no prude, but I’d think twice before letting an adolescent read something where the protagonist is a high school dropout, chain-smokes and gulps down alcohol like water at sixteen.

Or maybe I'm just getting too old. Gah.

Anyway, Tithe is a coming of age/self-discovery story made into an urban fantasy. Kaye Fierch is sixteen, and her mother fronts a struggling rock band. Kaye and her mother Ellen move back in with Grandma when her mother’s boyfriend tries to kill Ellen for no particular reason at all. Kaye later finds out that this incident was set off by the Fey in an attempt to bring Kaye back to Jersey.

Back in her childhood home, Kaye is reunited with both her human and Faerie childhood friends, and finds out the truth about herself and her past. She is drawn into Faerie politics, a twisted plot involving the Seelie and Unseelie Courts, where she falls for a dangerous knight who may be just using her to his own advantage.

I found “Tithe” to be an entertaining light read. The book is easy to gobble up. The plot is charmingly simple, and the pacing quick. The characters are all ridden with teenage angst, which adds to the "badass-ery" of the book. I'd have to say the enjoyment I got from reading this book is akin to watching a low-budget, B-movie with an interesting storyline. It may not be very visually stimulating, but you love it anyway because of the story.

Tithe gets down and dirty. It doesn’t have any illusions of grandeur in it. The backdrop is rough and rugged, and the narrative and dialogue unpolished, making the story exude a certain ragged, blue-collar charm.

I particularly enjoyed Kaye's morbid-poetic introspectiveness. For example, she describes sunset at the beach as “[slitted] wrists in a bathtub and the blood is all over the water”.

I probably would've given this five stars if I'd read it in my "jaded-angst" stage eight to nine years ago. At present, this lola is giving it a 3.5 stars for being a simple, rather nostalgic and - once I got over my prudishness - enjoyable read.

Thursday, November 9, 2006

Book Review: Rose Madder [Stephen King]


RATING: I am woman, hear me roar.
Inspiring. Empowering. Yep, that's by Stephen King.

The first Stephen King book I’ve ever read was “Christine” in sixth grade. I was instantly hooked, and I’ve been reading King’s works for more than ten years now. Call me morbid, but I absolutely love what’s going on inside the guy’s head!

It’s popular misconception that Stephen King is just a horror writer. Au contraire; most of King’s work spans across genres. Rose Madder is one such example – while it has signature Stephen King gory scenes in it, I wouldn’t exactly classify this as a horror novel. Psychological suspense? Could be. A story of love and hope? Oprah, you missed this one for your book club.

Rose McClendon-Daniels has endured fourteen years of abuse from her cop husband Norman. She’s been through a miscarriage (prompted by Normie, of course), and endless beatings, but it takes one drop of blood on the bed sheets to make her realize that she has had enough. She takes a little of her husband’s money and runs off to start a new life of her own.

However, being shut up in Norman’s world for fourteen years has made our Ramblin’ Rosie as innocent as a newborn babe. With very little money and nobody to run to, Rose is lucky enough to meet a string of kind strangers who helps her on her way to a new life. In just a few months, she has landed a decent-paying job, got a place of her own, lost weight, healed both physically and emotionally, and has started to fall in love again.

However, she can’t stop looking over her shoulder, expecting to see him there. And right she is, for Norman, who can’t get over the fact that Rose got away from him, is obsessively bent on hunting her down. And this is a cop that's very good at finding people.

One day, Rose finds a painting in a pawn shop. It depicts a woman in a rose-colored chiton, looking towards the horizon. It actually isn’t even a very good painting, but Rose finds herself strangely drawn to it. She is inspired by the woman in the painting, and is empowered by this mysterious figure. Rosie finds strength she doesn’t even know she possessed.

Meanwhile, Norman is closing in on her. His insane rage leaves a string of violent deaths- of people who has helped Rosie- in its wake. Rose McClendon, determined that nothing would destroy her life again, must stand against what terrifies her most: her husband.

Nobody tells a story like Stephen King does, and nobody creates living, breathing characters better than he does. Each character not only has a unique voice, but different accents as well. And this book screams women empowerment as well, which would definitely appeal to a feminist like yours truly.

The only thing that didn’t sit right with me were the EXTREMELY long exchanges between the woman in the painting (whom I have baptized as Foxy) and Rose. Foxy plays a bigger role in eliminating Rose’s problems than you might expect. The paranormal aspect is classic King, but in this case, the explanations and interactions between woman and painting felt a little too draggy for me.

Kudos to King on using mythology - the reference to the Minotaur and the Labyrinth played off what Rosie was going through quite nicely. And Normie as a minotaur? Hah! Perfect :D

King's narrative is so well-written, it sucked me into Rosie's world and made me go haywire with a rollercoaster of emotions. I wanted to strangle Rose for being such a pathetic idiot, but I couldn’t help cheering her on as well. I practically melted in the scenes with gentleman biker Bill, and I felt suffocated by Norman’s presence in the story. I am disgusted yet fascinated with Psycho Norman who is the main character in the gory scenes. *chomp chomp chomp* I particularly loved the scene where Gert, the big momma self-defense teacher of Daughters and Sisters leaves a lasting mark on our Normie dearest. *grin*

Rose Madder is a beautiful story. It is a story of desperation, madness and death, but also of hope, kindness and the celebration of life. And that is what I loved most about it – the striking contrast between the elements of the story. After all, the deepest, darkest desperation only serves to tremendously emphasize the tiniest ray of hope.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Book Review: The Historian [Elizabeth Kostova]

RATING: Now that's great storytelling :)

The book that saved my life :D

This was the book I was reading last year when I had my near-death experience with dengue (second time around!), further complicated by pneumonia and internal bleeding. The doctor proclaimed a 20% chance of survival. A friend of mine, knowing how much of a bookworm I am, later joked that I held on to dear life until I could finish this book. This novel is a long one, and by the time I finished it, I had already made a complete recovery.

The story begins with our heroine finding a bunch of old letters, all addressed, quite melodramatically, to “My Dear and Unfortunate Successor”. Shortly afterwards, her father goes missing and she uses the letters to try and track him down. Her quest takes her to monasteries and libraries all over Europe, and she finds herself being hunted down by a sinister figure – the same being that has haunted both her grandfather and father’s letters, and who may be the cause of her mother’s mysterious death. As she delves deeper, she finds out more about her family history and begins to understand just how truly powerful her adversary is.

The Historian is a lovely piece of work. It blends history and fiction flawlessly, while working with the theory that the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula is Prince Vlad Tepes. The result is a truly striking, most memorable character. It is bursting with details on 16th century history and brings alive the conquests of Prince Vlad, of the Ottoman Empire and Byzantine Constantinople. Saves you from cracking open that rather boring encyclopedia, in my opinion.

The characters, even the most minor ones, are multidimensional and wholly believable, each with his/her own distinct voice, and this contributes a lot to the beauty of the book. I cannot help but go "Awww" on the relationship husky Professor Bora shares with his tiny wife, and the evil librarian never fails to give me the creeps whenever he appears.

Elizabeth Kostova is a gifted writer. (Well, either that or she has a really, really good editor *grin*) The Historian takes you on a guided tour of Eastern Europe, and unlike Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code, The Historian does not read like a guide book written by an exceptionally descriptive but rather monotonous high-schooler. Instead, it feels like hearing a first-hand account from a talented storyteller who has actually been there, so vivid that you feel like you've been there yourself.

Paying tribute once again to Kostova’s writing skills (and/or her editor’s), the narrative weaves back and forth through three generations of different characters, but it doesn’t muddle up the story flow. I admire that, really I do. The book is over 600 pages long, and I never once had to flip back and check on previous chapters because I missed something or some point got me confused or something like that. The time-traveling narrative rather enhances the story, making it more interesting to read. The Historian is somewhat of a mystery, after all, and I imagine it would be very, very dull if it were told in a linear sequence.

However, the best part about reading The Historian is it made me feel as if I were listening to a grandmother telling her stories while stuck indoors on a rainy day. Yeah, it made me feel cozy, and all warm and fuzzy inside, and only a handful of books have been able to do that.

My only complaint would be I found the first half of the epilogue to be rather uncalled for. (I am a sucker for perfect happy endings.) However, I DID find the latter part of the epilogue (Prince Vlad gazing out, looking as if he has all the world before him) perfect in wrapping the story up.

Overall, I found The Historian to be a well-researched, delightful read. I give it a 4.5-star rating.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Book Review: Idlewild [Nick Sagan]

RATING: A smart read.

The Matrix meets Agatha Christie
Idlewild isn't something I'd normally read. Techie-sci-fi stuff don't really appeal to me, and I don't usually go for first-person narratives. However, I picked up a copy because the plot seemed interesting enough for me to include it to the year-long supply of books I was bringing to a country where English books were a rarity. And partly because I loved the artwork on the cover :D

Reading a bit like Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None", the story opens in a world that is obviously VR, where Lovecraftian monsters, hobgoblins and Smileys serve as foot soldiers for a group of warring teenagers. Our hero, Gabriel a.k.a. Halloween, has just awoken from an electric shock - he can't remember anything except that somebody is trying to kill him. He also thinks that his virtual teacher, Maestro, a computer program, is harboring a grudge towards him. Paranoia? Perhaps. The story slowly unfolds through his re-exploring this world, and his gradual recollection of memories. He eventually finds out that he is one of 10 students studying through VR, and that one of them, Lazarus, is missing. He also thinks that he may have killed Lazarus, whose girlfriend Simone is coincidentally the love of Hal's life.

In a world ruled by an omnipotent computer program, Hal uses this device called a jammer (which hacks the virtual world and returns him to reality) to conduct some private investigating on Lazarus' disappearance and the attempt on his life. One question leads to another until Hal begins to doubt his and everyone's existence, and reality itself.

I can find no fault with Idlewild, theme or prose, but there is something missing from it which keeps me from giving it full marks. Also, there are some parts in the story where it just gets so dragging - probably because it's so predictable - that you just want to skip the damn chapters and get on to the next plot.

Sagan creates a myriad of very interesting characters - delusional and schizophrenic Fantasia, morbid and paranoid Hal, wild and angry Mercutio - every character is bursting with personality. I absolutely love Fantasia - she's so much fun and her childlike insanity balances Hal's dark, morbid broodings. Another thing I thoroughly enjoyed was Hal's philosophical musings about life and death and his incredibly sarcastic remarks. For example: "Every idiot goes through life thinking that he's special. That whole solipsistic conceit where you suspect that everything revolves around you and only you. Are you born with it? Probably. When you discover empathy, you're supposed to grow out of it, but I doubt anyone ever really does. Zen monks spend their lives trying. But it's hard. There's always that possibility, remote as it might be, that nothing exists outside your head. That you're the star of the show. That everyone else is a supporting character. And after you die, it all ceases to exist."

Idlewild is a smart book, dripping with information ranging from biogenetics to history to philosophy and literature. Although not my usual cup of tea, it was interesting enough for me to keep on going until the very end.